Saturday, May 25, 2013

May 25, 2013

It has been almost an entire year since I have posted, and in that year everything has gone to shit.  I have gained at least 20 lbs since the last time I posted... probably more, but I'll get to all of that tomorrow.

We have recently learned that my mother has stage IV cancer.  She was originally diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, but now they are unsure and think that it may possibly be colon cancer.  In order to get a final Dx, they need to do a colonoscopy.  Unfortunately, she became ill with pneumonia and gram positive cocci so the colonoscopy has to be put off for 2 weeks while she receives IV antibiotics.

Needless to say, mom's illness has caused me to spiral into an eating frenzy to rival no other.  Couple that with the Morton's Neuroma in my right foot and I'm a mess.  My inability to run started the weight gain and Ive been unable to stop it.


I refuse to let it go on.  Starting tomorrow, I will post new photos (before photos), my weight and measurements.  I'm terrified to see the numbers, but I have to stare it in the face before I can fight it.  I'm going to have at least 45lbs (my best guess right now) to go before I can be the 130lb mommy.

Wish me luck.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

August 23, 2012

It's been quite a while since I've posted and a lot has happened.

I'll start with my weight.  Right now, I'm not sure what it is, but I know that it isn't pretty.  I will wait at least one week of being back on my diet and working out before weighing myself.  I have had a lot of difficulty controlling my eating and I'm not quite sure why but it has to stop.

Now for a running recap.

The half marathon that I was running on May 6th ended up being AMAZING!  We actually ran the Nut Job (twilight 5k on Saturday and half marathon Sunday morning).  I didn't PR (it was close but I had bathroom issues... Port-A-Potty lines were long) but I finished in a good time [for me], ran the entire distance, AND did it without any music!  That was the first time I had run without music and it was great.  I rarely do run with music these days and find it quite liberating.

I ran one 5k, sponsored by Pretzel City Sports, with L in July.  It was heinous.  It was hot.  I had a belly full of pizza.  But I did it... slowly. My friends are so awesome and they usually come to my neck of the woods for races so it was nice to go there and race in her area.  Well, as nice at it could be considering how heinous, hot, and full I was.

I spent most of my summer training for Iron Girl Columbia, my very first triathlon.  Since I had been running frequently (and detest running in the heat), I spent my summer focusing on the swim and the cycle.  I saw a swim coach twice and she helped me in remarkable ways!  I am a MUCH better swimmer due to her input.  I also signed up for the bike clinic with Princeton Sports and rode my bike around the airport loop to train for the hills on the course.  This really helped my performance on those 2 parts of the course.  Unfortunately, it has left me grossly underprepared for my upcoming races.

Completing the Iron Girl triathlon was one of the most exhilarating experiences of my life.  It was another one of those "things I never thought I would EVER do".  I was surprised with the difficulty I initially had with the swim since I had trained so well and could easily cover the distance.  The problem was that the breathing pattern I had used EVERY time I had swam that distance just wasn't working for me. I felt like I was suffocating.  It took me about 300 meters to switch my breathing pattern and start really making up some lost ground.  I wish I had thought to switch my breathing sooner, but now I know for next time, right?  The cycle went pretty much as I had expected it to.  I knew I would struggle on some of the hills, but I never had to get off of my bike except for the one time I had to retrieve my water bottle that I dropped.  The run was also hilly and I had to walk a couple of times to get through it.  I'm a little disappointed with myself, but now I know what to expect and I know to train more for the run.  The best part (besides running with J) was seeing my family as I crossed the finish line.  It evoked a brief ugly cry, but Im not ashamed.  I earned that ugly cry.  I am also totally hooked on triathlons now.

I am running the infamous A-10 this weekend.... and I use the term "running" loosely.  I tried to run 5k yesterday and my legs were SO tired that I just couldn't do it.  I was so embarrassed and terrified at the same time.  How the H-E-double hockey sticks am I going to run 10 (!!!!) miles on Sunday (with AF here at that!)?  I need all of your prayers, y'all.

Whats up after A-10?  Tough Mudder.  Yup, you heard me right. TOUGH MUDDER.  It seemed like a really good idea at the time.  Of course, I thought I'd have done a better job training this summer too.  These next couple of weeks are going to be brutal, but I. Will. Not. Give. Up.  I will get through this somehow.  It may be sheer grit and the grace of God, but I will find a way.

The last thing on my calendar as of now is the Baltimore half in October.  Luckily I've still got time to get some decent training in for this one and hope to at least come close to a PR on this hilly course.

So, there you have it.  I will update after the A-10 and I will post weight stats again on September 7th.  Time to get my Sugar-Honey-Iced-Tea together and get'r done!

Sunday, April 15, 2012

April 15, 2012

So- this is where I am.

I tried to run today and made it 2.5 miles before petering out.  It was hot as Hades out there and I foolishly left the house around 11:30 am to go for a run.  It was a disaster.  Not only was it hot, but its the day before I'm supposed to start my period and I always do poorly when I run on that day. I ran a nice, solid 4.5 miles earlier this week so this was incredibly disappointing.

I have a half marathon coming up on May 6th and I am fairly confident that I wont even be CLOSE to ready for it.  I've had to resign myself to the fact that its going to be humiliating and focus on possibly getting a new PR on the 5k the previous night.  The Baltimore half is in October and I am going to have to focus on redeeming myself at that race.  I can't believe I've allowed myself to get lazy like this.  I'm going to follow an actual training program for the one in the fall and I'm going to have to train all summer (which will suck) but I'm hoping that it will be worth it.

I've also lost control of my eating which makes me feel as if I'm losing control of everything.  I know I've gained at least 5 lbs and I'm hoping it isn't much more than that.  I'm going to step on the scale tomorrow morning and see what the verdict is.  I am then going to FORCE myself to blog about both my eating and running.  If someone is actually reading this and you haven't seen any posts from me- send me a message or post a comment to let me know that I'm slacking.  I promise I will thank you for it.

It's time to pick up the momentum again.  We have a family vacation at the beach in 2 months and I'd really like to look nice in some shorts and a swimsuit.

Now... off to find a CrossFit gym that is reasonably priced.  My time is valuable and seriously lacking so I need to pack a real punch with my workouts!

Saturday, March 31, 2012

March 31, 2012 (WARNING! May be controversial)

So far Ive only gotten one run during the week (with my club at school) and a run on the weekend.  I need to find time for this... its making me crazy!!!

In other news... Ive started Weight Watchers again.  I'm not going to meetings or doing it online because that's extra money that I just cant afford.  I'm doing it alone (again) in hopes that it will jump start my weight loss!

Ive been searching for somewhere to talk about something that may seem alarming to some of you, but it shouldn't be.  I figured I would come here since I don't think that too many people actually read this.

A friend of mine recently posted a discussion thread about all of the thinspo on Pinterest.  I had no idea about the thinspo and pro-ana culture out there so I started searching for it and reading.  Through my reading, I realized that this is how I think... I just don't have enough self control to execute.  (See I told you this may be alarming.)  I OBSESS over food and calories and how I look.  I OBSESS to the point that I have difficulty enjoying myself out in public because all I can think about is how I look.  When I lose control and binge, I OBSESS over the fact that I was weak then deal with intense remorse over my actions.  When I lose control over my eating, I feel like I'm losing control of EVERYTHING.  Feeling out of control is a very frightening feeling, hence my need for control.

The thing is, I DON'T feel alarmed about this.  I'm still at least 20 pounds overweight and not thin by ANY means.  I feel like I am weak.  I feel like I'm a little pathetic because I let FOOD rule my world.  Most of all, I kind of feel helpless because I cant quit food the way I quit smoking or an alcoholic can quit drinking.  Food has to be a part of my daily life... the unfortunate part is that it rules my life and if it doesn't, then Ive lost control.


Yes- I KNOW this isn't healthy or normal.  I realize that I need help and I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm afraid that if I get help, then I will be fat again.


Sunday, March 18, 2012

March 18, 2012- TMI ALERT

Current weight:  152

Yeah... that's right.   I've gained 2 lbs and I'm a bit embarrassed about it.  I am back on track though and hoping to see some progress this week.

I ran the Rock'N Roll USA half marathon in Washington, DC yesterday and had a PW (personal worst).  I was grossly under trained and was running it when I run my worst... right before AF is scheduled to arrive.  In fact, she showed up around mile 9 and the closest medical aid station didn't have any feminine hygiene products.  They gave me a roll of stretchy gauze that I furiously cut with my teeth [in the port-a-potty], folded up and shoved in my underpants.  I was already struggling at that point and the further I went the more sore my abdomen felt.  It was much hillier than I expected [and I never run hills] and I had only run one 10 mile run, 2 weeks before the race.  Not only was a I grossly under trained, but I felt completely embarrassed.  Even if you take off the 7ish minutes I spent in the port-a-potty, I still finished at my slowest time ever.

I'm also disappointed.  Two of my BRF's, L and L, were running their very first half and I wanted to cross the finish line with them.  Not only did I miss it, but they finished a bit more than 15 minutes before me and both of their times [on a hilly course] beat my current PR [on a flat course].  Needless to say, I'm feeling a bit of extra motivation to get some decent training done over the next few months!  This is my current race schedule:

March 24- 5k for 100 k
May 5- Frederick Running Festival 5k (first leg of Nut Job)
May 6- Frederick Running Festival half marathon (second leg of Nut Job, first leg of MD Double)
June 24- Baltimore Women's Classic 5k
August 19- Iron Girl Triathlon
September 9- Tough Mudder
September 22- either The Color Run 5k or RnR Philly
October 13- Baltimore half marathon (second leg of MD Double)

J has agreed to make sure I am able to run 2 short runs after work during the week and a long [relatively hilly] run every weekend.  In between those, I've got to work on strength training as well.

Wish me luck!

Sunday, January 22, 2012

January 22, 2012

Current weight:  150.6

I have eaten more food this weekend than I care to admit.  I'm embarrassed.  I'm ashamed.  Probably most of all, I am disappointed.  I fell off the wagon and it was like I had absolutely no control over what I was doing.  At that point, the eating was a compulsion, a psychological NEED that I had no control over rather than your typical, run of the mill cheat day [weekend] on a diet.  Ive been hiding food, eating it quickly so no one sees me and even eating it late at night after everyone is in bed.  I'm just like every other kind of addict out there, but my drug of choice is food.

Ive got a picture posted on Facebook that says, "Do not blame genetics. Do not blame a busy schedule.  Do not blame the weather. Do not blame school/work.  If you want it bad enough, you will do whatever it takes to reach your goal."  I agree with that 100%, so I don't want you to thing that I am placing blame for my eating or trying to find excuses.  I just need to try to explain the plight of the compulsive over eater.

Compulsive overeating is an eating disorder that most aren't aware of.  Everyone knows anorexia and bulimia, but compulsive overeating doesn't get the same kind of press.  Imagine the binge of a bulimic without the purge and you've got the gist of what goes on with a compulsive over eater.

I can do a pretty good job controlling my compulsive overeating if I keep a very rigid schedule and menu for my diet.  Some think I am being too rigid, but what they don't understand is that if I'm NOT this rigid, then I will binge.  Telling a compulsive over eater to loosen up a little and allow yourself treats now and again is like telling an alcoholic that one beer every now and again is OK.  Its not. If I allow myself one cookie, it quickly turns into 10 cookies.  I keep telling myself to stop, yet my hand keeps shoving them in my mouth as quickly as humanly possible... you know, so nobody sees me do it.

I think that this binge has been feeding my soul.  Of course, as much as I try to feed it, the food isn't helping.  Ive had a lot weighing heavily on my mind and the unknown is just so.... mysterious.  Its so... UNKNOWN.  Ive been trying very hard to just give it all to God, and I do feel better after I leave church but I know I haven't been able to just give it all to Him.  Its just too close to my heart.


In other news, today is my 1 year runniversary.  Exactly 1 year ago today, I began my journey toward becoming a runner.  Since then I have run:  5 5k's, 1 10k, 2 5 milers and 2 half marathons.  I have 3 half marathons, 1 5k and 2 triathlons on the books for this year as well.  I think Ive come quite a long way from where I started and I'm mighty damn proud of that.

I wonder where I'll be next year....

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

December 7, 2011

Current Weight:  153.8

Starting waist:  41 inches
Current waist:  33 inches (-8)

Starting hips:  45 inches
Current hips:  41 inches (-4)

Starting thighs:  27 inches
Current thighs:  22.5 inches (-4.5)

Starting arms:  14 inches
Current arms:  11 inches (-3)

Total inches lost:  19.5 inches!!!!!

I don't have a lot of time to post right now- A&P final in less than 48 hours but I wanted to post updated measurements since I haven't done so in quite some time.

More to come after finals ;)