January 22, 2012

Current weight:  150.6

I have eaten more food this weekend than I care to admit.  I'm embarrassed.  I'm ashamed.  Probably most of all, I am disappointed.  I fell off the wagon and it was like I had absolutely no control over what I was doing.  At that point, the eating was a compulsion, a psychological NEED that I had no control over rather than your typical, run of the mill cheat day [weekend] on a diet.  Ive been hiding food, eating it quickly so no one sees me and even eating it late at night after everyone is in bed.  I'm just like every other kind of addict out there, but my drug of choice is food.

Ive got a picture posted on Facebook that says, "Do not blame genetics. Do not blame a busy schedule.  Do not blame the weather. Do not blame school/work.  If you want it bad enough, you will do whatever it takes to reach your goal."  I agree with that 100%, so I don't want you to thing that I am placing blame for my eating or trying to find excuses.  I just need to try to explain the plight of the compulsive over eater.

Compulsive overeating is an eating disorder that most aren't aware of.  Everyone knows anorexia and bulimia, but compulsive overeating doesn't get the same kind of press.  Imagine the binge of a bulimic without the purge and you've got the gist of what goes on with a compulsive over eater.

I can do a pretty good job controlling my compulsive overeating if I keep a very rigid schedule and menu for my diet.  Some think I am being too rigid, but what they don't understand is that if I'm NOT this rigid, then I will binge.  Telling a compulsive over eater to loosen up a little and allow yourself treats now and again is like telling an alcoholic that one beer every now and again is OK.  Its not. If I allow myself one cookie, it quickly turns into 10 cookies.  I keep telling myself to stop, yet my hand keeps shoving them in my mouth as quickly as humanly possible... you know, so nobody sees me do it.

I think that this binge has been feeding my soul.  Of course, as much as I try to feed it, the food isn't helping.  Ive had a lot weighing heavily on my mind and the unknown is just so.... mysterious.  Its so... UNKNOWN.  Ive been trying very hard to just give it all to God, and I do feel better after I leave church but I know I haven't been able to just give it all to Him.  Its just too close to my heart.

[sigh]

In other news, today is my 1 year runniversary.  Exactly 1 year ago today, I began my journey toward becoming a runner.  Since then I have run:  5 5k's, 1 10k, 2 5 milers and 2 half marathons.  I have 3 half marathons, 1 5k and 2 triathlons on the books for this year as well.  I think Ive come quite a long way from where I started and I'm mighty damn proud of that.

I wonder where I'll be next year....