Saturday, March 31, 2012

March 31, 2012 (WARNING! May be controversial)

So far Ive only gotten one run during the week (with my club at school) and a run on the weekend.  I need to find time for this... its making me crazy!!!

In other news... Ive started Weight Watchers again.  I'm not going to meetings or doing it online because that's extra money that I just cant afford.  I'm doing it alone (again) in hopes that it will jump start my weight loss!

Ive been searching for somewhere to talk about something that may seem alarming to some of you, but it shouldn't be.  I figured I would come here since I don't think that too many people actually read this.

A friend of mine recently posted a discussion thread about all of the thinspo on Pinterest.  I had no idea about the thinspo and pro-ana culture out there so I started searching for it and reading.  Through my reading, I realized that this is how I think... I just don't have enough self control to execute.  (See I told you this may be alarming.)  I OBSESS over food and calories and how I look.  I OBSESS to the point that I have difficulty enjoying myself out in public because all I can think about is how I look.  When I lose control and binge, I OBSESS over the fact that I was weak then deal with intense remorse over my actions.  When I lose control over my eating, I feel like I'm losing control of EVERYTHING.  Feeling out of control is a very frightening feeling, hence my need for control.

The thing is, I DON'T feel alarmed about this.  I'm still at least 20 pounds overweight and not thin by ANY means.  I feel like I am weak.  I feel like I'm a little pathetic because I let FOOD rule my world.  Most of all, I kind of feel helpless because I cant quit food the way I quit smoking or an alcoholic can quit drinking.  Food has to be a part of my daily life... the unfortunate part is that it rules my life and if it doesn't, then Ive lost control.


Yes- I KNOW this isn't healthy or normal.  I realize that I need help and I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm afraid that if I get help, then I will be fat again.


Sunday, March 18, 2012

March 18, 2012- TMI ALERT

Current weight:  152

Yeah... that's right.   I've gained 2 lbs and I'm a bit embarrassed about it.  I am back on track though and hoping to see some progress this week.

I ran the Rock'N Roll USA half marathon in Washington, DC yesterday and had a PW (personal worst).  I was grossly under trained and was running it when I run my worst... right before AF is scheduled to arrive.  In fact, she showed up around mile 9 and the closest medical aid station didn't have any feminine hygiene products.  They gave me a roll of stretchy gauze that I furiously cut with my teeth [in the port-a-potty], folded up and shoved in my underpants.  I was already struggling at that point and the further I went the more sore my abdomen felt.  It was much hillier than I expected [and I never run hills] and I had only run one 10 mile run, 2 weeks before the race.  Not only was a I grossly under trained, but I felt completely embarrassed.  Even if you take off the 7ish minutes I spent in the port-a-potty, I still finished at my slowest time ever.

I'm also disappointed.  Two of my BRF's, L and L, were running their very first half and I wanted to cross the finish line with them.  Not only did I miss it, but they finished a bit more than 15 minutes before me and both of their times [on a hilly course] beat my current PR [on a flat course].  Needless to say, I'm feeling a bit of extra motivation to get some decent training done over the next few months!  This is my current race schedule:

March 24- 5k for 100 k
May 5- Frederick Running Festival 5k (first leg of Nut Job)
May 6- Frederick Running Festival half marathon (second leg of Nut Job, first leg of MD Double)
June 24- Baltimore Women's Classic 5k
August 19- Iron Girl Triathlon
September 9- Tough Mudder
September 22- either The Color Run 5k or RnR Philly
October 13- Baltimore half marathon (second leg of MD Double)

J has agreed to make sure I am able to run 2 short runs after work during the week and a long [relatively hilly] run every weekend.  In between those, I've got to work on strength training as well.

Wish me luck!