March 31, 2012 (WARNING! May be controversial)

So far Ive only gotten one run during the week (with my club at school) and a run on the weekend.  I need to find time for this... its making me crazy!!!

In other news... Ive started Weight Watchers again.  I'm not going to meetings or doing it online because that's extra money that I just cant afford.  I'm doing it alone (again) in hopes that it will jump start my weight loss!

Ive been searching for somewhere to talk about something that may seem alarming to some of you, but it shouldn't be.  I figured I would come here since I don't think that too many people actually read this.

A friend of mine recently posted a discussion thread about all of the thinspo on Pinterest.  I had no idea about the thinspo and pro-ana culture out there so I started searching for it and reading.  Through my reading, I realized that this is how I think... I just don't have enough self control to execute.  (See I told you this may be alarming.)  I OBSESS over food and calories and how I look.  I OBSESS to the point that I have difficulty enjoying myself out in public because all I can think about is how I look.  When I lose control and binge, I OBSESS over the fact that I was weak then deal with intense remorse over my actions.  When I lose control over my eating, I feel like I'm losing control of EVERYTHING.  Feeling out of control is a very frightening feeling, hence my need for control.

The thing is, I DON'T feel alarmed about this.  I'm still at least 20 pounds overweight and not thin by ANY means.  I feel like I am weak.  I feel like I'm a little pathetic because I let FOOD rule my world.  Most of all, I kind of feel helpless because I cant quit food the way I quit smoking or an alcoholic can quit drinking.  Food has to be a part of my daily life... the unfortunate part is that it rules my life and if it doesn't, then Ive lost control.

*sigh*

Yes- I KNOW this isn't healthy or normal.  I realize that I need help and I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm afraid that if I get help, then I will be fat again.

Crossroads...