Tuesday, August 30, 2011

August 30, 2011

I just got back from a terrible run. I did a most excellent 10 miles on 8.20.11, then started having some weird calf tenderness and aching in my right knee. I decided that being ready for my half marathon was more important that my 100 days of running and took a few days off. It was so difficult to not get out there everyday and get a least a mile in, but I refrained and my body is much happier with me because of it. Ive also been battling a bit of a cold/sinus infection and Im thinking that played the biggest role in the most horrible 4ish miles Ive ever run. It felt like my first time out there! Its amazing how discouraging ONE bad run can be. I just have to keep reminding myself that I CAN do it. If I can do 10, I sure as HELL can do 13.1!

I had my first appointment with the nutritionist last week and she is having me do a more detailed food journal for 5 days. I have to fax what I have to her tomorrow and I will see her again on Thursday afternoon. Im terrified of what she is going to say. Ive already cried in front of her once, Im really hoping not to do that again. Its so very difficult to talk to someone about something that is so incredibly embarrassing like my food issues are. My break from running is also going to make me look like a liar since Ive already told her that I run every day.

Its funny, when Im running I think of all kinds of things that I want to say when I finally get behind the computer but when I actually sit down to write, I cant remember any of it. I guess that's God's way of telling me to get off of my fat ass and clean this house then get my homework done!

Friday, August 19, 2011

August 19, 2011

This post is going to be quite a bummer, prepare yourselves.

Im struggling- bad. You can only plateau for so long before becoming terribly discouraged. Its been 3 months and it seems that no matter WHAT I do, my weight just wont change. The good thing about that is if I have a few bad days, I dont gain a lot (if at all!). The bad thing is that I can bust my ass dieting and running for weeks (months actually) and get NO results. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Nyet. NOTHING. Same damn number taunting me on the scale Every. Damn. Day. Seriously, what the F#@k? I still have 35ish pounds to lose and they act like they're taking up permanent residence.

Ive tried:
1. eating more
2. eating less
3. modifying my running schedule
4. counting calories rather than WW points
5. giving up artificial sweeteners

Im about to start eating cinnamon by the spoonful and going nuts with the cayenne in our food.

I now have an appointment with a nutritionist as my next step. I know I eat more processed foods than I should, but I dont eat them in excess (most of the time anyway). I need to get back to the basics I guess. Salad and some sort of protein.

Mostly, Im frustrated. Im busting my ass and not getting results. THEN, when I get discouraged and eat like a freaking maniac I spend the rest of the day wallowing in remorse. Yeah, like right now.

So- Im going to post what I actually ate today as punishment for being such a freaking glutton.

2 scrambled eggs.
6ish garlic knots
4 slices of a NY style 12" pepperoni pizza
an entire order of crazy bread
2 slices of LC pepperoni pizza
a hershey bar with almonds
a coke
a Big Red soda

Everything else was zero calorie beverages. How freaking embarrassing. Im guessing that is approximately 66 points??? Umm, yeah... My daily allowed points right now is 29.

Im going to go change my son's stinky butt and wallow in my misery for a while. Maybe I'll manage to cry or something.

Its also day 49 and I havent run yet. For the first time in these 49 days, Ive actually contemplated just not doing it. THAT is sad. Of course, you know I will... one way or another.

Today's overall feeling? I. Suck. All I want is to have control of my food rather than my food having control of me!

Thank goodness tomorrow's a new day.

Monday, August 1, 2011

August 1, 2011

Taking the week off of dieting? Giant F.A.I.L. The scale this morning read...

168 lbs

Genius idea, V. Have a major love affair with food and think that it will actually HELP your diet. I swear I'm smart. I even have a college degree! Sometimes stupid things DO happen to smart people.

So, I'm back at it today. Well, I lied- I'm back at it TOMORROW. For some reason I had a really hard time stepping away from the food today. I'm feeling quite discouraged and its making it hard to stay on the wagon. I have walked or run every day so I haven't lost sight of my 100 day challenge. (I had to walk 2 days due to a pulled muscle in my calf that was injured while playing Wizards, Giants and Elves in one of my grad classes. Yeah... don't ask).

I did do my PR 7.25 miles on Saturday and I'm feeling good about Rock'N Roll coming up in only 48 days! At one point in time, I obsessed about whether or not I would be able to go the distance. Now all I obsess about is my weight/food. I haven't seen the damn scale go down in about 3 months now and its just leaving me feeling completely defeated. I start feeling pretty good about myself then I see a picture and it just makes me feel worse. Why the hell wont this freaking weight come off?!?!?!?! I made an appointment with my physician for Wednesday to talk about the hair loss and other myriad of things that are bothering me and I'm hoping he can refer me to a dietitian/nutritionist. I CANNOT fail at this weight loss journey! I'm doing this for my boys more than for myself. I just don't know what to do anymore. Am I really going to be resigned to eating salads for the rest of my life? Don't get me wrong, I love me some rabbit food every now and again, but I don't think I can handle it all the time. I guess that if that is what I have to do, then that is what I will do.

As I'm sure you can tell, I'm feeling quite defeated today. Weight loss is the only thing at which I have been unable to be successful. Of all of the things I have undertaken in my life, THIS one thing... this one MOST IMPORTANT thing is the one that I find myself repeatedly failing to do. Why do I obsess over food? Why is it one of the top things I think about daily? Honestly- the number one thing I think about is my kids. Number 2 is probably food.

That's just not normal.